I just don't get it. And I really want to.

I need some really smart person to show me where to draw the line between preferring others and speaking your heart.

I'm in a conundrum. I have a few really awkward relationships when it comes to discussing my spirituality. These very kind, loving people are from my past 'church life', and it's difficult to navigate conversations with them when they're using Godspeak. I try to agree when I can, rephrase things without the christianese, or mostly just nod my head and say 'yeah'. I feel very dishonest, and hypocritical. With some, it's easy to avoid the whole sprituality issue...with others, it's an ever-present topic.

Enter the age of facebook. I have lots of 'friends' out there, from ultra liberal to right wing fundies. I thought perhaps if I lifted some stuff from here about how I'm processing my journey, hoping for dialogue of course, I could nonchalantly let my old friends know where I'm coming from. So I don't have to lie anymore, see. Well, I posted something I wrote here as a 'note' there and got some really good responses. But someone from my past popped in and I must've touched a nerve (raise your hand if you're surprised). She was fairly straight forward and sounded very like the 'my way or the high way' problem I wrote about. Thus, another friend began to engage her....and well, first friend deleted her responses after some terse back and forth.

This makes me sad. I messaged my old friend and told her appreciated her responses, but she wrote back to say she didn't want to participate in 'throwing stones' at the church. Which, of course touched one of my nerves....actually several. I was gracious, and sent my love.

So here's my next quandry. How does one give a critique of the church without 'throwing stones'? I suspect it's in the motivation of the one throwing. But that mindset within the circles I ran in was damaging to me, and I feel to others as well. We *must* be able to talk in real words about what the Church has done, and is doing wrong if we're ever going to move forward. We *must* be able to talk about those in the Church who have wounded us, misrepresented Jesus, and took advantage of their authority........but all too often (as witnessed by this very blog), because it's been held in so long, it tends to spew out, sounding very like bitterness as we hurl the 'truths' out there. It's taken 6 long years for me to even write coherently about my experiences with the church without feeling that burning lump in my stomach.

So, while I don't want to intentionally wound people....I also have this innate desire to shine the light where I see darkness in the world. That means the church too. And I might even use some sarcasm. And yeah, don't be surprised by the occasional shattered stained glass window. I am only human.

My question at the beginning was where to draw that line. I knew the answer before writing it because, hell, it's the answer to every question I ask. Every moment and circumstance are different....so the line moves. Which means I'll 'cross the line' with people when I don't mean to and I'll cower in fear on one side when I should be using a slingshot. Sometimes it'll be just right, like Baby Bear's porridge.

I have so many streams of thought and questions running thru my spirit the last few days. I'll try to process here, and I'd sure appreciate any comments so long as they aren't of the ding-dong-ditch type.

Wrestling with the abortion issue again.

I came across an interesting perspective in the following blog post by Cindy Handler.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cindy-handler/anti-abortion-or-anti-sex_b_174812.html
(please be forwarned that I lifted this from a progressive liberal online publication, so it might offend some.)

I was also struck by one of the comments, which I've quoted below:
"Like all matters of personal choice, this issue will never be satisfactorily settled by the blunt instrument we call government. Freedom requires that we each make our own decisions and live with the ramifications. It is not in the best interest of our country to pretend that one size fits all, doing so will enviably lead us to totalitarianism and tyranny." (posted by Truby)

I find I must agree with this. And I believe this is the fundamental premise that undergirds the pro-choice argument. Since moving away from my more conservative leanings regarding my Christianity, I'm realizing that those in the pro choice camp see the pro lifers as hardline, absolute, and unyeilding in their belief that their brand of religion is the 'right' brand, the 'Truth', and that on all opinions opposed to what they deem at the proper interpretation of their scriptures are 'wrong'. End of story.

I find myself often wondering how Jesus would've address this issue. Abortion was a known practice surely. Why did he not mention it? (or homosexuality for that matter...another can 'o worms for another time) I tend to believe he hoped for a world in which people took personal responsibility for sexual intercourse, where sex wasn't a taboo subject, and that women wouldn't be put in a place of having to even make that choice. But Jesus seemed to strike the perfect balance between realist and dreamer. I can think of three times in the gospels where he had the opportunity to 'blast' a woman for being a whore, all three probably 'guilty' of having abortions.
Mary, who was publically scorned for her prostitution and dared enter the place where Jesus was eating dinner amongst a room full of men and kneeled to pour her alabaster jar of costly perfume over Jesus' dirty and weary feet, weeping and using her hair to caress them. Jesus defended her publicly.

The samaritan woman at the well, who admitted she was 'living in sin' and had with several others, who was shocked that this Jewish man would speak to her, let alone ask her for water. He took time to invite her into the coming worship 'in spirit and truth'.

The adultress about to be stoned for being caught in the act...and who Jesus brilliantly used to make the point that EVERYONE sins. And he saved her life. "Neither do I accuse you". Powerful words I wish I could hear the Church say more often.

I realize there are many pro life folks who pour their lives out in trying to prevent abortion by providing education and support to those with an unplanned pregnancy as well as for those who have felt victimized by a past abortion. I also recognize that living in a culture where the unborn are 'disposed of' due to convenience or simply as a last resort birth control doesn't say a whole heck of a lot about our ethics of personal responsibility. On the other hand, we live in a nation of ostriches who cross our fingers and hope and pray that our teenagers will be able to control themselves. We yell and scream and threaten. We make them sign contracts. Then tsk tsk and shake our heads when bellies blossom in high school, or worse, end up in line at the local clinic.

I've raised two children (so far) who have made it until marriage before having sex. Let me tell you, it was hard. Afterwards, one of my kids said "well, now I'm in on the joke". I think by forbidding sexual behavior, we make it into some huge thing that ultimately disappoints us, especially women. And yet, there *is* something beautiful, an unseen canopy of expectation that covers a wedding where neither partner 'knows' each other yet. On the one hand, it's a simple physical act that (hopefully) brings pleasure. But it is also something else. I think there *must* be a spiritual *something* that happens during sex. When conception occurs, whether one feels it is a 'person' yet or not, there can be no denying it is the very stuff of life--a powerful, potential life-- having occured because two people shared physical intimacy.

The mysteries of sex, conception, marriage.....we are not in a one size fits all world anymore. I find myself wanting to peel back the layers of what these things really mean. In the meantime, though, I will have to sit on my high wire with one foot in each camp in the abortion war.

Ickies.

So after I've shown how merciful I can be, let me just say I'm having a hard time offering it up for the scum who cheat on their wives. Here's a glimpse into my more seedy side...that part of me that lurks underneath pretty words and higher ideals. The little girl who demands to be heard once again, to be let out of her cage and throw a tantrum. Whenever I hear about yet another male person in some authority position (pastors, CEOs, politicians, etc.) who have shat on their spouses and families, one phrase throbs thu my mind. And it ain't pretty. WHY CAN'T YOU KEEP YOUR #*$@^#$ MEMBER IN YOUR PANTS!?!?!?!

Now I'm really not as simple-minded as to believe it is only the men at fault...I do realize women have affairs as well. And I know this isn't just an issue with male/female relationships. (I have too many gay friends who can attest to the pain of infidelity). I'm ashamed of my sex when they use their powers of prowess and manipulation to conquer married/commited men. Just as men use their positions of power, wealth, bravo, what-have-you to catch some bimbo's eye. I have zero sympathy for either. But today I am focused on the males, thanks to a certain politician who was apparently walking in 'darkness', so his spiritual adviser says...as if christianese would soften the blow and take the blame off his protege.

What I want to believe, what I feel, but know is wrong and will lead only to misery when I'm reeling over yet another 'revelation'', is that men are weak, can only think thru the zipper of their pants, and are the easiest creatures on earth to manipulate. When a man cheats, it undermines all men, it reinforces the many many many many MANY women's experiences that men are simply little boys who just need a certain body part twiddled to be happy....it's a truth I must vanquish from thought constantly as my experience with boys growing up repeatedly proved this to me. That women are only 'loved' for their bodies and ability to titillate. The porn industry, holllywood, books....all lend credence to this. I'm sick of mustering the strength it takes to withstand the mind-boggling proof of it. Where are the courageous and loyal men??? Where are they who have the humility of character to recognize this 'weakness' and take pains to protect himself and the ones he loves??? Where is the verb LOVE seen when temptation presents itself???? 'Cause our world is desparate for some chivalry.....and I'm not afraid to say it.

It's very difficult not to project my screwy belief onto my husband. I even feel supremely silly saying my husband has been devoted to me for almost 24 years, takes great pains--even to the point of being laughed at by peers--to keep other women out of his life. I have done the same. And our marriage of almost a quarter century, which began in the rockiest of ways (teen pregnancy) has produced 6 beautiful, fairly well-adjusted children. But believing in a spouse is often considered the apex of blind trust. After all, one of the first things one hears from the spurned wife is "I never thought he would do this." I really WANT to believe that my husband won't cheat on me. But for every dumbass male who couldn't keep it in his pants for whatever reason there are legion of females, some silently and some not so, who agree once again with the message, reinforced loud and clear...MEN ARE WEAK. When will they realize we crave strength of character above brute strength and sexual bravado?

So thank-you Sanders, Edwards, Clinton, Pitt, all you cowardly selfish babies who've shat on every woman's trust for also ruining the honor of the few good men left out there who worship their wives, love and provide for their offspring, and lay down their lives for their families. Your lack of everything decent muddies not just your own pitiful lives, but undermines the all the hard work, determination and selflessness of men like my husband.

May your legacy be one oversized phalllic symbol. *spitting on the ground*

"How is such a man to be worked on???" --Elizabeth Bennett, as written by Jane Austen in Pride and Prejudice.

To Anonymous posters....

Dear Anonymous,

I have just now (June 2009) read your comment of 1-18-09 on my post of 11-9-08...I'm not sure why I didn't receive notification via email at the time, so I apologize in not responding until now. That said, I make it a point not to dialogue with anonymous posters because, right off the bat, I must assume you simply left a comment in anger and aren't actually willing to do anything other than slather on the shame and split...and those kind of commenters are a dime a dozen within the blogsphere. I find it cowardly, mean, and not really worth my time responding. I will say, though, it seems you are guilty of doing exactly what you accuse me of doing to the young man I wrote about in the post...except that I stood up to take responsibility for who I was and what I said, willing continue the discussion. Big difference in my book. If you truly are interested in dialogue sans the crushing sarcasm, (playful sarcasm is welcome and admired, though) identify yourself and let's have at it. I'm more than willing to be told I was out of line, even if I disagree. And I love the opportunity to process thru writing with a 'partner'. Helps me see where my blind spots are, where I feel I did ok, and so forth. If you only popped over to do an online ding-dong ditch, then I wish you much fun in your cyber travels. Toilet paper is on sale at Walgreens.

Sincerly,

Cindy Harvey

God apart from civilization

I often wonder about stuff that makes me wonder if I'm weird.  Or at least weirder than most.  This particular morning I'm pondering how a person would 'meet' God without ever having been formally introduced (indoctrinated?) to The Concept by western culture's portrait of a Christian, and their translations and interpretations of the bible.

I wonder what that would look like.  I know I don't think that such a person would be somehow kinder or more 'holy' than anyone else.  Afterall, we are all plopped into this drama without a script and must manuever our way thru scenes and with characters not of our choosing.  I would say that the influence of those who nurture (or don't) would have the greatest impact on how one views life and the Divine apart from the standard fare we are served, say here in the USA.  

I often wonder how a person with no knowledge of Christ's life; how he served others, spoke up for the oppressed, modelled humility and strength, was murdered by the establishment, and rumored to have come back to life 3 days later......how do they know that kindness is the better path?  I know there are millions of people on this twirling globe who haven't read the bible, know anything about middle east history, or go to 'church'.  I know there are compassionate people everywhere, regardless of religious belief or non-belief.  I know we all make choices, and are more likely to make good ones if they've been modelled and taught to us.  The conventional western christian stance is that we need to get more missionaries out there to present our form of religion, so the 'heathen' won't go to hell in their ignorance.  I reject that notion whole-heartedly.  I think God indwells every living thing, sustains and supports life on earth, and is as near to humans as the air we breathe.  I think it matters not what you call God, or how you show your devotion, but how you live your life based on what you perceive Goodness and Love to look like.  

I'm not a universalist I don't think.  While I believe we are each hardwired to connect with what's 'out there'....some of us won't make the connection, not because we were or weren't introduced, but because life can be hard and humans can be brutal as we grow up.  But we each must choose daily how we respond to the horrors of life....and some will unfortunately become abusers themselves.  Some refuse to honor another's life and dignity.....choose to oppress instead of serve and love.  I think maybe those folks just don't get 'eternal life' after death.  Maybe they just cease to exist at all.  That's not what I'd call punishment....just consequences.  But I also believe the gift of life everlasting is open to all stripes and colors of humans if they've tapped into the Creator's kingdom of love and service.  It doesn't matter if one has 'accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior', or kneels toward Mecca, or honors ancestors, or talks to trees.  If you're nice, if you make the effort to live an examined life, if you turn down your 'me' meter sometimes, and turn off the constant chatter of our culture......I think you get it.  

And therein lies the reason I am uncomfortable in church.  There's always the underlying 'get others to believe like us' expectation.  A lot of time, there's also a message of 'you're not good enough, try harder, feel guilty'.  At least that's what I feel.  I really have a hard time disentangling from the verbage of christianese and finding God.  So I stay away.  And I feel guilty sometimes for not taking my boys to 'church'.  But on the other hand, I wonder if I'm maybe doing them a favor....surely it's ok to teach our kids the bible stories as they are a large part of our national knowledge (as should greek myths and other stories of the spiritual-human connection)....but not with the message that everyone should believe as we do.  I haven't found this pushiness in the more mainline churches, but then I also haven't found a meaningful connection with God there either.  As 'country clubs' they're fine.  A meeting place where some ritual, donuts and fellowship is all well and good....and even a much needed practice in our frenetic lives.  But I also long for a deeper connection with Love in a public space.  I miss the worship times at my old church, when I could close my eyes and meet with God.  But I can't abide the junk that comes with that experience in most of those kinds of churches.  

So there are my wonderings for today.  I don't know what triggered them, other than seeing people on Facebook commenting back and forth about 'praying for this'.  Which is a whole 'nother post for a 'nother day. 

Lives are changed on 3-day weekends

On a 3-day weekend, lives change.  My life has often changed on 3-day weekends.

One fateful 3-day weekend was in 1994.  We had lived in Dallas for about 16 months, and on a 3-day weekend I asked Cindy "Do you like it here?"  Her simple answer was "No, not really." And I said "Me neither, lets move."

I guess your regular 2 day weekend only gives us enough time to catch up on everything that doesn't get done Monday through Friday.  And, vacations are often filled with travel or other activity.  Or, if the vacation does allow enough time for relaxation; it's not close enough to our regular lives to allow contemplation of that 'regular life'.

So, here I sit surprised by reflection and contemplation of my present life circumstance.  I like my life.  I'm thankful to God for it; especially today as we celebrate His new life and the metaphor that it is for New Life that God gives.  

There seems a fate or grace or synchronicity of events in my life that are helping me begin a new chapter.  I have started a new job since the first of the year; but that seems simply a symptom of what's going on.  I have somewhat randomly picked up two books in the past month that both encourage change:  Who Moved my Cheese, and The Alchemist.  And Cindy has been blogging about chancing change.

What does it all mean?  Where is it going?  Ah, that is the most wonderful part; I'm not as concerned with destination as enjoying the view/ride on the way there.  So, I guess I'm happy AND changing.

If you're still curious, you may be interested in the very short story Two Drops of Oil that tells the secret of happiness.

Been a long time coming.

I had an unexpected opportunity to put together a snapshot in words about myself yesterday and thought I'd share it here. It represents, in condensed form, my journey up to this point in time. I guess you could call it my testimony? I don't know, but here it is:

I poke a stick in a hornet's nest (another of my talents, unfortunately) quite often, but my original intention is usually just some simple, respectful dialogue. I try to offer my perspective with some light heartedness and humility, but I often fail to communicate miserably. I don't mind being disagreed with, but after an intense interaction, I can feel a bit beat up. Especially when it's obvious nothing I could say or the others could say to me is going to make an iota of difference in how we each view and issue or perspective. It makes me frustrated and sad when judgements and generalities are tossed around without any energy invested in scratching beneath the surface....but I also understand my own prejudices can run deep at times even in the face of evidence to the contrary. Humans are thick-headed at times. As it's said....you can't fix stupid.

I've wrestled with my own faith and understanding of Christianity thru the years, and ultimately found myself frustrated and let down by the 'Jesus is an angry, white, Republican American boy' mentality. I've begun to see the scripture in a different way....the call for discipleship surpassing the call to 'get people saved so they don't burn in hell'. This has put me at odds with many in the Church. I guess I'm ok with not 'knowing' the absolute 'truth' anymore. It feels more like humility to say "I love God, I know Jesus died on the cross for humanity.....but I'm not sure about much else". I'm much more comfy in the gray areas, and I try (with much effort at times) to see things from others' perspectives. I purposely "put myself in others' shoes" in order to at least understand a different view. I still may not agree, but at least I've given it a fair shake. Like the issue of abortion...I still hate it, and I volunteer at the local Crisis Pregnancy Center, but I can also understand the dangers of allowing the gov't into our personal lives (taking our guns, our right to homeschool, our choice of where to worship, our freedom of speech, etc.) I also know many, many women who have had to make the excruciating choice to abort because life isn't perfect. We aren't in Eden anymore. It doesn't help anyone to use words like 'murder' and 'killing'. It simply shames people, and we've got plenty of that to go around. Anyway, I got really sick of the militant "I'm right and you need to think like me" perspective that is rampant in America's charismatic churches. Having now been on the receiving end of blunt force bible thumping, I can say with some certainty, it doesn't make Jesus look so appealing. I try my best to follow Jesus' commandment to 'Love God and love your neighbor'. I take it very seriously in fact. I figure if I ever get that down, the rest is gravy. I just don't think I'll ever get there...but it doesn't stop me from giving it my best shot each day. Thank God for new mercies every morning, eh?

I know that others will see me as 'lost' or 'back slidden' or a 'bleeding heart liberal' or even a 'socialist'. I don't like boxes and labels. Human beings, made in God's image, are WAAAAY too complex for such simple brush strokes. I think I'm mostly a questioning, intellectually honest person who wants to please God and be kind and humble. I don't 'fit' in any sphere perfectly. I spent too many years trying to please those in the Church and following the rules they laid down. It almost killed me, literally. I was suffocating in that box. Thankfully I found a little Mennonite church that taught me that democrats aren't evil, being a peacemaker is a high calling, and serving our neighbor doesn't always include 'praying the prayer'. I believe I'm here to further God's Kingdom not by making people agree to a set of bullet points, but by modelling kindness, humility and graciousness, serving the poor, living as simply as I can in this culture of insatiable consumption, and yes, being an inigma. That's how I see Jesus living his life. He never made anyone pray a prayer, nor did he require everyone who encountered him to confess he was Lord or become a Jew. I'm hoping to get others on the 'kindness before rightness' boat with me, whether they confess with their mouth Jesus is Lord or face Mecca or pray to Buddah or shun organized religion in any form. I don't believe in guilting or shaming people into the gospel of 'Love God, Love others'. I'm into living it. No strings attached. I've guess I've just had a monumental paradigm shift in my understanding of 'christianity'.

I may be an un-believer or and idiot or what-have-you to those who hold to a more conservative Christian viewpoint, but what counts is how I see myself, how I treat others, and how much I act like Jesus. I see my job as finding others trying to do the same thing and partnering with them in bringing God's peace and restoration to a broken humanity. For instance, this election cycle brought a new face, a new perspective, and some edgy ideals that challenged the status quo. That resonated deeply with me, and while I don't see Obama as a savior or politics as the answer to humanity's woes, I do appreciate his 'thinking outside the box' as well as his focus on being our brother's keeper. I appreciate his call to personal responsibility and community involvement. I like that he hunkered down and made something of himself, having forgone the easiest path to riches and glory as a bigtime lawyer, by doing community service in some of the most poverty stricken areas of the midwest. That he recognized "something different" in the church folks he worked side by side with in those run down neighborhoods...who then became the catalyst that caused him to walk down a church isle, kneel before a cross, and asked forgiveness for the wretched man he was. That he asks for God's wisdom each day. That he REALLY wrestled with the issue of abortion, looking at it from moral, ethical, medical, and legal standpoints....and allowed a Christian pro life doctor help him take a good look at the language of the Democratic party regarding 'choice'. That he has the ability to say "I messed up". Is he perfect? Nope. Will I agree with everything he does or says? Nope. But then I'm not a Democrat. Or a Republican.  And politics are politics for the most part. There's no wool over my eyes on that account.

I don't mean to defend myself, change other's opinions or even change their opinions about me. I only hope that thru interacting with me, other believers might begin to see that not all Christians tow the same line....and that it doesn't make them stupid. Or ignorant. Or wrong. Or off the deep end. I lived in such a small universe of people within the charismatic church, that when I finally got out, I realized there were immensely compassionate and kind people who would never step foot in a church for a myriad of understandable reasons. I began having to answer for some of the behavior of the Church toward their fellow man. I began learning to say "I'm sorry we've represented Christ as an angry, white, Republican American and not the Light of the World". It was humiliating, yet hugely freeing.

In short, my hope is to be a 'rebuilder of the walls long devastated'....not to bring yet more devastation. I think this was Jesus' hope as well, but he also knew bucking heads with the status quo would necessarily need to devastate the appropriate walls of injustice and hate and oppressive tradition. In doing so, it ultimately got him tortured and killed. The keepers of the status quo and protectors of power don't like to be threatened with change....and it usually takes a revolution of the people to bring change. In America, this past November brought a revolution via the voting both. I'm grateful that I live in a country where I can be a part of challenging the status quo simply by choosing leaders I feel offer the most chance for God's Kingdom to be seen. On a smaller scale, when I challenge the status quo, I pay with rejection, misjudgement, and second-guessing myself alot....but then I remember it's a small price to pay to shine the light in darkness. I probably won't have to pay the ultimate price as those like Jesus, Ghandi, or Martin Luther King did.

This is where I find myself in the present moment, 4 days before turning 42 years old in March of 2009.

CLASSIC!

The Bitter Homeschooler's Wish List

By Deborah Markus, from Secular Homeschooling, Issue #1, Fall 2007

1 Please stop asking us if it's legal. If it is — and it is — it's insulting to imply that we're criminals. And if we were criminals, would we admit it?

 

2 Learn what the words "socialize" and "socialization" mean, and use the one you really mean instead of mixing them up the way you do now. Socializing means hanging out with other people for fun. Socialization means having acquired the skills necessary to do so successfully and pleasantly. If you're talking to me and my kids, that means that we do in fact go outside now and then to visit the other human beings on the planet, and you can safely assume that we've got a decent grasp of both concepts.

 

3 Quit interrupting my kid at her dance lesson, scout meeting, choir practice, baseball game, art class, field trip, park day, music class, 4H club, or soccer lesson to ask her if as a homeschooler she ever gets to socialize.

 

4 Don't assume that every homeschooler you meet is homeschooling for the same reasons and in the same way as that one homeschooler you know.

 

5 If that homeschooler you know is actually someone you saw on TV, either on the news or on a "reality" show, the above goes double.

 

6 Please stop telling us horror stories about the homeschoolers you know, know of, or think you might know who ruined their lives by homeschooling. You're probably the same little bluebird of happiness whose hobby is running up to pregnant women and inducing premature labor by telling them every ghastly birth story you've ever heard. We all hate you, so please go away.

 

7 We don't look horrified and start quizzing your kids when we hear they're in public school. Please stop drilling our children like potential oil fields to see if we're doing what you consider an adequate job of homeschooling.

 

8 Stop assuming all homeschoolers are religious.

 

9 Stop assuming that if we're religious, we must be homeschooling for religious reasons.

 

10 We didn't go through all the reading, learning, thinking, weighing of options, experimenting, and worrying that goes into homeschooling just to annoy you. Really. This was a deeply personal decision, tailored to the specifics of our family. Stop taking the bare fact of our being homeschoolers as either an affront or a judgment about your own educational decisions.

 

11 Please stop questioning my competency and demanding to see my credentials. I didn't have to complete a course in catering to successfully cook dinner for my family; I don't need a degree in teaching to educate my children. If spending at least twelve years in the kind of chew-it-up-and-spit-it-out educational facility we call public school left me with so little information in my memory banks that I can't teach the basics of an elementary education to my nearest and dearest, maybe there's a reason I'm so reluctant to send my child to school.

 

12 If my kid's only six and you ask me with a straight face how I can possibly teach him what he'd learn in school, please understand that you're calling me an idiot. Don't act shocked if I decide to respond in kind.

 

13 Stop assuming that because the word "home" is right there in "homeschool," we never leave the house. We're the ones who go to the amusement parks, museums, and zoos in the middle of the week and in the off-season and laugh at you because you have to go on weekends and holidays when it's crowded and icky.

 

14 Stop assuming that because the word "school" is right there in homeschool, we must sit around at a desk for six or eight hours every day, just like your kid does. Even if we're into the "school" side of education — and many of us prefer a more organic approach — we can burn through a lot of material a lot more efficiently, because we don't have to gear our lessons to the lowest common denominator.

 

15 Stop asking, "But what about the Prom?" Even if the idea that my kid might not be able to indulge in a night of over-hyped, over-priced revelry was enough to break my heart, plenty of kids who do go to school don't get to go to the Prom. For all you know, I'm one of them. I might still be bitter about it. So go be shallow somewhere else.

 

16 Don't ask my kid if she wouldn't rather go to school unless you don't mind if I ask your kid if he wouldn't rather stay home and get some sleep now and then.

 

17 Stop saying, "Oh, I could never homeschool!" Even if you think it's some kind of compliment, it sounds more like you're horrified. One of these days, I won't bother disagreeing with you any more.

 

18 If you can remember anything from chemistry or calculus class, you're allowed to ask how we'll teach these subjects to our kids. If you can't, thank you for the reassurance that we couldn't possibly do a worse job than your teachers did, and might even do a better one.

 

19 Stop asking about how hard it must be to be my child's teacher as well as her parent. I don't see much difference between bossing my kid around academically and bossing him around the way I do about everything else.

 

20 Stop saying that my kid is shy, outgoing, aggressive, anxious, quiet, boisterous, argumentative, pouty, fidgety, chatty, whiny, or loud because he's homeschooled. It's not fair that all the kids who go to school can be as annoying as they want to without being branded as representative of anything but childhood.

 

21 Quit assuming that my kid must be some kind of prodigy because she's homeschooled.

 

22 Quit assuming that I must be some kind of prodigy because I homeschool my kids.

 

23 Quit assuming that I must be some kind of saint because I homeschool my kids.

 

24 Stop talking about all the great childhood memories my kids won't get because they don't go to school, unless you want me to start asking about all the not-so-great childhood memories you have because you went to school.

 

25 Here's a thought: If you can't say something nice about homeschooling, shut up!

A second day of serious slogging thru life begins.

I spent the better part of yesterday in bed, trying desparately to convince myself that I was fighting a cold.  And I am.  My chest feels tight, my nose is stuffily, and I have a marked decrease in motivation to do anything....including brushing my teeth.  

But I really don't think a low-grade simmering cold is the real reason for my malaise.  I'm noticing the tell-tale signs of my nemisis reappearing.  Wandering from room to room, getting agitated over paint colors, avoiding showers, ticking away brain cells reading online psuedo-news, non-descript aches and pains through out my body, a lingering sigh of 'oh well' hovering just underneath the surface, complacency in my responsibilities, self-pity.

I find myself once again starring into a bleak future being ME.  Oh I have tremendous blessings in my life, everything to be thankful for, and feel the appropriate self-hatred for being blue.  But I can't shake it.  I feel blugeoned and bloodied from being me.  I play over and over that scripture 'a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways'.  And I hate that.  I really do.

If life is about serving others....finding your life by giving it away....how on earth does that happen when you don't have the gumption to get dressed in the morning?  Maybe I'm in post-partum-political depression....not knowing what to do with myself now that the election is over.  What I feel certainly resembles the post-partum I felt after the births of my kids.  Then there's the crappy weather outside.  Cold, drizzly rain on dirty snow.  Even Johnny Mathis can't lift my spirits with *that* kind of reality out the window.

Someone teach me to care for myself.  How do you like yourself when you're 75 pounds overweight?  When you can't articulate what you believe is the core of your being?  When you're disappointed in how things are?  When you wake up staring the dysfunctions of your life in the face every day.  What gives?  

I used to be told that I must not want change enough or I'd do something about it.  What a load of shit that was.  As if the sum total of my life was simply a long string of choices I'd made since birth....which is another load of shit I was told.  The two people who offered these 'pearls' of wisdom are perhaps the two most dysfunctional people I know.....yet their words continue to haunt me.  Which is why I will never be able to fully forgive them.  Which then prolly explains my continual struggle with life....

Perhaps the best thing I can do is just call my pyschiatrist and have him up the dosage on my daily anti-depression concoction.   Drugged to cope!  

peace on earth

Another Sunday, another pastor falls from grace.

I was interrupted this morning by one of my daughters telling me she'd just heard thru a text message that the pastor of our old church resigned this morning after admitting to an 'emotional relationship' with one of the worship leaders.  My first reaction was shock, then nausea, then anger, then sadness.  Both parties are married with 3 little ones a piece.  

By far the worst was having to tell my other daughter who has just recently stopped attending that youth group.  She is especially close to the wife of the pastor (both of them led the youth group pretty regularly), who has shown her much love and counsel.  Her sobs over the pain the wife is enduring was devastating to watch.  She grew up years in just a few moments, realizing grown ups can be ridiculously stupid.  Her faith in 'good' people is shaken, her hope that she can ever trust a husband is shredded.  The world has all the sudden become a scary place and people untrustworthy. 

I've tried to reason with her, and I think she will eventuall assimilate this tragedy, but for now she cries.  I'm just letting her.  It so very difficult to watch our kids lose their innocence.  

Me?  I'm calming down.  I'm thoughtful, hopeful, but realistic.  I think breaking the sacred trust of marriage is next to impossible to fix.  I think the children are the real losers.  I think I'm glad I'm not involved in worship at a church anymore.   I waver between wanting to box someone's ears and shaming and tsk tsk'ing and all that........to wanting to see mercy triumph over judgement.  I want to believe love covers a multitude of sins.  But I hold these two people responsible for introducing my daughter to the seedy side of humanity as well as the hypocrisy that can sometimes be found in the Church.  It's a scary thing to discover the depths of crap we humans are always capable of....kinda makes you want to draw the shades, turn off the phone and hide under the covers from the hideousness and pain lurking just outside.

I hope for these two families' sake they can find a way thru this hell.  I hope for my 3 unmarried daughters that hope in love will again blossom within their hearts.  Mostly I hope men keep their pants zipped up outside their bedrooms, and women will keep their seductive powers safely within the confines of their marriage.  

But again...I'm a realist.  

  

Old interview about Obama's faith....

Obama's Facinating Interview with Cathleen Falsani

Tuesday November 11, 2008

The most detailed and fascinating explication of Barack Obama's faith came in a 2004 interview he gave Chicago Sun Times columnist Cathleen Falsani when he was running for U.S. Senate in Illinois. The column she wrote about the interview has been quoted and misquoted many times over, but she'd never before published the full transcript in a major publication.

Because of how controversial that interview became, Falsani has graciously allowed us to print the full conversation here.

Falsani is one of the most gifted interviews on matters of Faith, and has recently published an outstanding memoir called Sin Boldly: A Field Guide for Grace. To get a free download of the audio book, click here.

At 3:30 p.m. on Saturday, March 27, 2004, when I was the religion reporter (I am now its religion columnist) at the Chicago Sun-Times, I met then-State Sen. Barack Obama at Café Baci, a small coffee joint at 330 S. Michigan Avenue in Chicago, to interview him exclusively about his spirituality. Our conversation took place a few days after he'd clinched the Democratic nomination for the U.S. Senate seat that he eventually won. We spoke for more than an hour. He came alone. He answered everything I asked without notes or hesitation. The profile of Obama that grew from the interview at Cafe Baci became the first in a series in the Sun-Times called "The God Factor," that eventually became my first book, The God Factor: Inside the Spiritual Lives of Public People (FSG, March 2006.) Because of the staggering interest in now President-Elect Obama's faith and spiritual predilections, I thought it might be helpful to share that interivew, uncut and in its entirety, here.
--Cathleen Falsani

Interview with State Sen. Barack Obama
3:30 p.m., Saturday March 27
Café Baci, 330 S. Michigan Avenue

Me: decaf
He: alone, on time, grabs a Naked juice protein shake

FALSANI:
What do you believe?

OBAMA:
I am a Christian.

So, I have a deep faith. So I draw from the Christian faith.

On the other hand, I was born in Hawaii where obviously there are a lot of Eastern influences.

I lived in Indonesia, the largest Muslim country in the world, between the ages of six and 10.

My father was from Kenya, and although he was probably most accurately labeled an agnostic, his father was Muslim.

And I'd say, probably, intellectually I've drawn as much from Judaism as any other faith.

(A patron stops and says, "Congratulations," shakes his hand. "Thank you very much. I appreciate that. Thank you.")

So, I'm rooted in the Christian tradition. I believe that there are many paths to the same place, and that is a belief that there is a higher power, a belief that we are connected as a people. That there are values that transcend race or culture, that move us forward, and there's an obligation for all of us individually as well as collectively to take responsibility to make those values lived.

And so, part of my project in life was probably to spend the first 40 years of my life figuring out what I did believe - I'm 42 now - and it's not that I had it all completely worked out, but I'm spending a lot of time now trying to apply what I believe and trying to live up to those values.

FALSANI:
Have you always been a Christian?

OBAMA:
I was raised more by my mother and my mother was Christian.

FALSANI:
Any particular flavor?

OBAMA:
No.

My grandparents who were from small towns in Kansas. My grandmother was Methodist. My grandfather was Baptist. This was at a time when I think the Methodists felt slightly superior to the Baptists. And by the time I was born, they were, I think, my grandparents had joined a Universalist church.

So, my mother, who I think had as much influence on my values as anybody, was not someone who wore her religion on her sleeve. We'd go to church for Easter. She wasn't a church lady.

As I said, we moved to Indonesia. She remarried an Indonesian who wasn't particularly, he wasn't a practicing Muslim. I went to a Catholic school in a Muslim country. So I was studying the Bible and catechisms by day, and at night you'd hear the prayer call.

So I don't think as a child we were, or I had a structured religious education. But my mother was deeply spiritual person, and would spend a lot of time talking about values and give me books about the world's religions, and talk to me about them. And I think always, her view always was that underlying these religions were a common set of beliefs about how you treat other people and how you aspire to act, not just for yourself but also for the greater good.

And, so that, I think, was what I carried with me through college. I probably didn't get started getting active in church activities until I moved to Chicago.

The way I came to Chicago in 1985 was that I was interested in community organizing and I was inspired by the Civil Rights movement. And the idea that ordinary people could do extraordinary things. And there was a group of churches out on the South Side of Chicago that had come together to form an organization to try to deal with the devastation of steel plants that had closed. And didn't have much money, but felt that if they formed an organization and hired somebody to organize them to work on issues that affected their community, that it would strengthen the church and also strengthen the community.

So they hired me, for $13,000 a year. The princely sum. And I drove out here and I didn't know anybody and started working with both the ministers and the lay people in these churches on issues like creating job training programs, or afterschool programs for youth, or making sure that city services were fairly allocated to underserved communites.

This would be in Roseland, West Pullman, Altgeld Gardens, far South Side working class and lower income communities.

And it was in those places where I think what had been more of an intellectual view of religion deepened because I'd be spending an enormous amount of time with church ladies, sort of surrogate mothers and fathers and everybody I was working with was 50 or 55 or 60, and here I was a 23-year-old kid running around.

I became much more familiar with the ongoing tradition of the historic black church and it's importance in the community.

And the power of that culture to give people strength in very difficult circumstances, and the power of that church to give people courage against great odds. And it moved me deeply.

So that, one of the churches I met, or one of the churches that I became involved in was Trinity United Church of Christ. And the pastor there, Jeremiah Wright, became a good friend. So I joined that church and committed myself to Christ in that church.

FALSANI:
Did you actually go up for an altar call?

OBAMA:
Yes. Absolutely.

It was a daytime service, during a daytime service. And it was a powerful moment. Because, it was powerful for me because it not only confirmed my faith, it not only gave shape to my faith, but I think, also, allowed me to connect the work I had been pursuing with my faith.

FALSANI:
How long ago?

OBAMA:
16, 17 years ago. 1987 or 88

FALSANI:
So you got yourself born again?

OBAMA:
Yeah, although I don't, I retain from my childhood and my experiences growing up a suspicion of dogma. And I'm not somebody who is always comfortable with language that implies I've got a monopoly on the truth, or that my faith is automatically transferable to others.

I'm a big believer in tolerance. I think that religion at it's best comes with a big dose of doubt. I'm suspicious of too much certainty in the pursuit of understanding just because I think people are limited in their understanding.

I think that, particularly as somebody who's now in the public realm and is a student of what brings people together and what drives them apart, there's an enormous amount of damage done around the world in the name of religion and certainty.

FALSANI
Do you still attend Trinity?

OBAMA:
Yep. Every week. 11 oclock service.

Ever been there? Good service.

I actually wrote a book called Dreams from My Father, it's kind of a meditation on race. There's a whole chapter on the church in that, and my first visits to Trinity.

FALSANI:
Do you pray often?

OBAMA:
Uh, yeah, I guess I do.

Its' not formal, me getting on my knees. I think I have an ongoing conversation with God. I think throughout the day, I'm constantly asking myself questions about what I'm doing, why am I doing it.

One of the interesting things about being in public life is there are constantly these pressures being placed on you from different sides. To be effective, you have to be able to listen to a variety of points of view, synthesize viewpoints. You also have to know when to be just a strong advocate, and push back against certain people or views that you think aren't right or don't serve your constituents.

And so, the biggest challenge, I think, is always maintaining your moral compass. Those are the conversations I'm having internally. I'm measuring my actions against that inner voice that for me at least is audible, is active, it tells me where I think I'm on track and where I think I'm off track.

It's interesting particularly now after this election, comes with it a lot of celebrity. And I always think of politics as having two sides. There's a vanity aspect to politics, and then there's a substantive part of politics. Now you need some sizzle with the steak to be effective, but I think it's easy to get swept up in the vanity side of it, the desire to be liked and recognized and important. It's important for me throughout the day to measure and to take stock and to say, now, am I doing this because I think it's advantageous to me politically, or because I think it's the right thing to do? Am I doing this to get my name in the papers or am I doing this because it's necessary to accomplish my motives.

FALSANI:
Checking for altruism?

OBAMA:
Yeah. I mean, something like it.

Looking for, ... It's interesting, the most powerful political moments for me come when I feel like my actions are aligned with a certain truth. I can feel it. When I'm talking to a group and I'm saying something truthful, I can feel a power that comes out of those statements that is different than when I'm just being glib or clever.

FALSANI:
What's that power? Is it the holy spirit? God?

OBAMA:
Well, I think it's the power of the recognition of God, or the recognition of a larger truth that is being shared between me and an audience.

That's something you learn watching ministers, quite a bit. What they call the Holy Spirit. They want the Holy Spirit to come down before they're preaching, right? Not to try to intellectualize it but what I see is there are moments that happen within a sermon where the minister gets out of his ego and is speaking from a deeper source. And it's powerful.

There are also times when you can see the ego getting in the way. Where the minister is performing and clearly straining for applause or an Amen. And those are distinct moments. I think those former moments are sacred.

FALSANI:
Who's Jesus to you?

(He laughs nervously)

OBAMA:
Right.

Jesus is an historical figure for me, and he's also a bridge between God and man, in the Christian faith, and one that I think is powerful precisely because he serves as that means of us reaching something higher.

And he's also a wonderful teacher. I think it's important for all of us, of whatever faith, to have teachers in the flesh and also teachers in history.

FALSANI:
Is Jesus someone who you feel you have a regular connection with now, a personal connection with in your life?

OBAMA:
Yeah. Yes. I think some of the things I talked about earlier are addressed through, are channeled through my Christian faith and a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

FALSANI:
Have you read the bible?

OBAMA:
Absolutely.

I read it not as regularly as I would like. These days I don't have much time for reading or reflection, period.

FALSANI:
Do you try to take some time for whatever, meditation prayer reading?

OBAMA:
I'll be honest with you, I used to all the time, in a fairly disciplined way. But during the course of this campaign, I don't. And I probably need to and would like to, but that's where that internal monologue, or dialogue I think supplants my opportunity to read and reflect in a structured way these days.

It's much more sort of as I'm going through the day trying to take stock and take a moment here and a moment there to take stock, why am I here, how does this connect with a larger sense of purpose.

FALSANI:
Do you have people in your life that you look to for guidance?

OBAMA:
Well, my pastor [Jeremiah Wright] is certainly someone who I have an enormous amount of respect for.

I have a number of friends who are ministers. Reverend Meeks is a close friend and colleague of mine in the state Senate. Father Michael Pfleger is a dear friend, and somebody I interact with closely.

FALSANI:
Those two will keep you on your toes.

OBAMA:
And theyr'e good friends. Because both of them are in the public eye, there are ways we can all reflect on what's happening to each of us in ways that are useful.

I think they can help me, they can appreciate certain specific challenges that I go through as a public figure.

FALSANI:
Jack Ryan [Obama's Republican opponent in the U.S. Senate race at the time] said talking about your faith is frought with peril for a public figure.

OBAMA:
Which is why you generally will not see me spending a lot of time talking about it on the stump.

Alongside my own deep personal faith, I am a follower, as well, of our civic religion. I am a big believer in the separation of church and state. I am a big believer in our constitutional structure. I mean, I'm a law professor at the University of Chicago teaching constitutional law. I am a great admirer of our founding charter, and its resolve to prevent theocracies from forming, and its resolve to prevent disruptive strains of fundamentalism from taking root ion this country.

As I said before, in my own public policy, I'm very suspicious of religious certainty expressing itself in politics.

Now, that's different form a belief that values have to inform our public policy. I think it's perfectly consistent to say that I want my government to be operating for all faiths and all peoples, including atheists and agnostics, while also insisting that there are values tha tinform my politics that are appropriate to talk about.

A standard line in my stump speech during this campaign is that my politics are informed by a belief that we're all connected. That if there's a child on the South Side of Chicago that can't read, that makes a difference in my life even if it's not my own child. If there's a senior citizen in downstate Illinois that's struggling to pay for their medicine and having to chose between medicine and the rent, that makes my life poorer even if it's not my grandparent. And if there's an Arab American family that's being rounded up by John Ashcroft without the benefit of due process, that threatens my civil liberties.

I can give religious expression to that. I am my brother's keeper, I am my sister's keeper, we are all children of God. Or I can express it in secular terms. But the basic premise remains the same. I think sometimes Democrats have made the mistake of shying away from a conversation about values for fear that they sacrifice the important value of tolerance. And I don't think those two things are mutually exclusive.

FALSANI:
Do you think it's wrong for people to want to know about a civic leader's spirituality?

OBAMA:
I don't' think it's wrong. I think that political leaders are subject to all sorts of vetting by the public, and this can be a component of that.

I think that I am disturbed by, let me put it this way: I think there is an enormous danger on the part of public figures to rationalize or justify their actions by claiming God's mandate.

I think there is this tendency that I don't think is healthy for public figures to wear religion on their sleeve as a means to insulate themselves from criticism, or dialogue with people who disagree with them.

FALSANI:
The conversation stopper, when you say you're a Christian and leave it at that.

OBAMA:
Where do you move forward with that?

This is something that I'm sure I'd have serious debates with my fellow Christians about. I think that the difficult thing about any religion, including Christianity, is that at some level there is a call to evangelize and prostelytize. There's the belief, certainly in some quarters, that people haven't embraced Jesus Christ as their personal savior that they're going to hell.

FALSANI:
You don't believe that?

OBAMA:
I find it hard to believe that my God would consign four-fifths of the world to hell.

I can't imagine that my God would allow some little Hindu kid in India who never interacts with the Christian faith to somehow burn for all eternity.

That's just not part of my religious makeup.

Part of the reason I think it's always difficult for public figures to talk about this is that the nature of politics is that you want to have everybody like you and project the best possible traits onto you. Oftentimes that's by being as vague as possible, or appealing to the lowest commong denominators. The more specific and detailed you are on issues as personal and fundamental as your faith, the more potentially dangerous it is.

FALSANI:
Do you ever have people who know you're a Christian question a particular stance you take on an issue, how can you be a Christian and ...

OBAMA:
Like the right to choose.

I haven't been challenged in those direct ways. And to that extent, I give the public a lot of credit. I'm always stuck by how much common sense the American people have. They get confused sometimes, watch FoxNews or listen to talk radio. That's dangerous sometimes. But generally, Americans are tolerant and I think recognize that faith is a personal thing, and they may feel very strongly about an issue like abortion or gay marriage, but if they discuss it with me as an elected official they will discuss it with me in those terms and not, say, as 'you call yourself a Christian.' I cannot recall that ever happening.

FALSANI:
Do you get questions about your faith?

OBAMA:
Obviously as an African American politician rooted in the African American community, I spend a lot of time in the black church. I have no qualms in those settings in participating fully in those services and celebrating my God in that wonderful community that is the black church.

(he pauses)
But I also try to be . . . Rarely in those settings do people come up to me and say, what are your beliefs. They are going to presume, and rightly so. Although they may presume a set of doctrines that I subscribe to that I don't necessarily subscribe to.

But I don't think that's unique to me. I think that each of us when we walk into our church or mosque or synagogue are interpreting that experience in different ways, are reading scriptures in different ways and are arriving at our own understanding at different ways and in different phases.

I don't know a healthy congregation or an effective minister who doesn't recognize that.

If all it took was someone proclaiming I believe Jesus Christ and that he died for my sins, and that was all there was to it, people wouldn't have to keep coming to church, would they.

FALSANI:
Do you believe in heaven?

OBAMA:
Do I believe in the harps and clouds and wings?

FALSANI:
A place spiritually you go to after you die?

OBAMA:
What I believe in is that if I live my life as well as I can, that I will be rewarded. I don't presume to have knowledge of what happens after I die. But I feel very strongly that whether the reward is in the here and now or in the hereafter, the aligning myself to my faith and my values is a good thing.

When I tuck in my daughters at night and I feel like I've been a good father to them, and I see in them that I am transferring values that I got from my mother and that they're kind people and that they're honest people, and they're curious people, that's a little piece of heaven.

FALSANI:
Do you believe in sin?

OBAMA:
Yes.

FALSANI:
What is sin?

OBAMA:
Being out of alignment with my values.

FALSANI:
What happens if you have sin in your life?

OBAMA:
I think it's the same thing as the question about heaven. In the same way that if I'm true to myself and my faith that that is its own reward, when I'm not true to it, it's its own punishment.

FALSANI:
Where do you find spiritual inspiration? Music, nature, literature, people, a conduit you plug into?

OBAMA:
There are so many.

Nothing is more powerful than the black church experience. A good choir and a good sermon in the black church, it's pretty hard not to be move and be transported.

I can be transported by watching a good performance of Hamlet, or reading Toni Morrison's Song of Solomon, or listening to Miles Davis.

FALSANI:
Is there something that you go back to as a touchstone, a book, a particular piece of music, a place ...

OBAMA:
As I said before, in my own sort of mental library, the Civil Rights movement has a powerful hold on me. It's a point in time where I think heaven and earth meet. Because it's a moment in which a collective faith transforms everything. So when I read Gandhi or I read King or I read certain passages of Abraham Lincoln and I think about those times where people's values are tested, I think those inspire me.

FALSANI:
What are you doing when you feel the most centered, the most aligned spiritually?

OBAMA:
I think I already described it. It's when I'm being true to myself. And that can happen in me making a speech or it can happen in me playing with my kids, or it can happen in a small interaction with a security guard in a building when I'm recognizing them and exchanging a good word.

FALSANI:
Is there someone you would look to as an example of how not to do it?

OBAMA:
Bin Laden.

(grins broadly)

FALSANI:
... An example of a role model, who combined everything you said you want to do in your life, and your faith?

OBAMA:
I think Gandhi is a great example of a profoundly spiritual man who acted and risked everything on behalf of those values but never slipped into intolerance or dogma. He seemed to always maintain an air of doubt about him.

I think Dr. King, and Lincoln. Those three are good examples for me of people who applied their faith to a larger canvas without allowing that faith to metasticize into something that is hurtful.

FALSANI:
Can we go back to that morning service in 1987 or 88 -- when you have a moment that you can go back to that as an epiphany...

OBAMA:
It wasn't an epiphany.

It was much more of a gradual process for me. I know there are some people who fall out. Which is wonderful. God bless them. For me it was probably because there is a certain self-consciousness that I possess as somebody with probably too much book learning, and also a very polyglot background.

FALSANI:
It wasn't like a moment where you finally got it? It was a symbol of that decision?

OBAMA:
Exactly. I think it was just a moment to certify or publicly affirm a growing faith in me.

-END-

Cathleen Falsani is author of Sin Boldly: A Field Guide for Grace. To get a free download of the audio book, click here.

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I find his faith journey facinating.  I'm sure there are some who would read this and still judge him as 'outside' the christian faith.....at least in the conservative form.  But he is great at articulating the 'main and plain' items that christians should all agree on.  Like caring for each other.  And being in community.  He is an advocate for unity in diversity, and that speaks very deeply to my own spirituality these days.