Bit'o this, bit 'o that. And some barfing.

Well, I've come out of hiding because I need to vomit.  Which is the purpose of this blog evidently.

Raise your hand if you think it's mean and unChristlike to cause harm to someone, then flippantly pass off that person's suffering by saying "it'll be ok, God has a plan for your life"?  Someone I love lost their job last week, and after she was fired, that was what her ex-boss told her. (Are you wretching yet?) When she told me this I immediately assessed the situation as thus:  "(Mr. Bossman) is the definition of an asshole." In front of God and everyone, including my Mother-in-law and her best friend.  And I didn't even flinch.  I did, however, feel queasy in the pit of my stomach.

How 'bout this...
I was lurking at a homeschooler's board the other day.  A poor soul asked about curriculum and goals for her highschooler, and some nitwit responded that our job as parents first and foremost is to teach our children to defend their faith in the face of this depraved world.  Mkay.  I don't believe I remember Jesus telling us that was our job.  I'm pretty sure we're told to love God and love our neighbor as we love ourselves.  The word 'defending' just smacks of confrontation.  I don't know.  Just made me want to puke.

And lastly, a quest for Mr. Woods.  So..... was it worth it? 

I'll tell ya what, I wouldn't wish fame and fortune on my worst enemy or even the jerks who spout christianese in the most patronizing ways.  It just fracks you up. And the stuff the rich and famous do also makes me url. 

Where's my cocoa.

Gang Rape.

Let's talk about this. 
Rather, let me vent about this.
Or, I know, let me scream and yell and get rather violently angry about this.

Let's talk about why this might have happened.  Who are the characters?
1)alcohol.  My kids WILL understand that this is EXACTLY WHY THE DRINKING AGE IS 21. I don't think the chances of this happening would have been so great if that substance hadn't been in play.
2) dumb girl...and I mean this in the nicest way possible.  Call her trusting, naive, gullilbe, whatever, the girl didn't use her brain.  My girls WILL understand this is EXACTLY WHY THEY SHOULD NEVER BE ALONE WITH A BOY in a dark place.  I'm not saying she deserved what happened to her, but had she engaged her brain this prolly wouldn't have happened.  My girls are taught that the majority of boys have ONE THING on their mind.  Sad but true. 
3) teenage boys...I don't trust them.  At all.  They maybe can't help that they're morons and have a member that speaks of it's own accord 'cause culture says it's ok and is the most important thing in the universe (as women everywhere snicker)...but I don't trust them.
4) culture..sex is prohibited, made juicier than it is, and flaunted as the be-all, end-all of human existence. Also,  male domination thru violence is CONTINUALLY before the hearts and minds of young men.  This is EXACTLY WHY MY BOYS WILL STOP PLAYING VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES and WHY WE DON"T WATCH COMMERCIAL TV and RESTRICT THE MOVIES THEY SEE.

This is a FAIL on so many levels.  The players in this tale are the same players in every high school everywhere.  All of them have altered the path of their lives thru this one night.  Riddle me this....HOW can I get thru my own kids heads that it is completely within their capacity to BE one of these same players using the same script?  I have a daughter heading to a college campus this weekend to party it up for the Halloween weekend.  HOW can I tell her to stay safe?  WHY am I letting her do this? 

There's a quote I read recently that hit me hard this afternoon:
"As a parent, it is my job to let my hope for my kids outweight my fear."

'Cause let me just tell you I"m scared shitless for my girl.  She's too nice, too naive, and too beautiful.  She refuses to see the bad that might happen.  She continues to skip along thru life assuming everyone is as nice as she is and has the same pure motives she has.  In short, she's the perfect candidate for something like this to happen.  And, folks, I'm scared. 

My own ramblings on Michael Jackson's death.

I wrote this right after he passed and posted it on facebook....forgot to bring it over here.  So there ya go.
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I guess I feel sorrow for Michael only because his life was so messed up. I believe abusers become so (if in fact he abused little boys) because they were once abused. Of course we all grow up and have choices about how we will deal with the abuse...and the power of fame and fortune can and does easily lull hurting people into a complacent, selfish and sick state of being. I struggle with stories of people who do heinous things...especially to children, because I believe love always wins. And mercy always trumps judgement.

It does seem backwards that so many would morn him when people are being wrongly killed everyday around the world because of guns, bombs, starvation, etc. I can only say that we tend to morn those who touch our lives in some way...and like it or not, MJ has touched more than one generation with his talent, & many of his lyrics. He was extremely gifted in communication, and often when we move in our gifting, our true selves are revealed for brief moments. We become endeared to those who, even for brief moments and often in spite of glaring failures, walk in their true calling doing what they love to do.

I morn for the little boy Michael Jackson, who never had a normal life, who grew up to make some awful choices in his personal life, but did give the world some happiness thru his dancing and music. I choose, I suppose, to have grace for him and to morn the loss of opportunity for him to perhaps have gotten help. Unfortunately, many in Hollywood's memory such as Judy Garland and 'Norma Jean' were simply eaten up by those who drove them to exploit their gifts for the masses, the promise of fame and riches forever dangling in front of them like the proverbial carrot, so that the holders of the contracts could get rich. I wonder how much the lawsuit against MJ for 'breech of contract' played into his death. People are complicated, and circumstances are rarely black and white. MJ's death is a tragedy as any untimely death is, and it causes me to pause and reflect on my own choices, the fruit in my own life, the power of mercy, and the abundance of love which covers a multitude of sins.

Again, regarding the accusations of molestation.....As a victim of childhood sexual abuse, I can only say the way to peace for me is to accept the fact that no one starts out an abuser. Drawing lines around who is and who isn't worthy of mercy isn't a job I think we humans are very good at. As a mother, though, I do understand how difficult it can be to extend anything other than judgement to those who abuse children. It makes my stomach turn, and it's difficult to let go of the rage I feel toward the offender. I think that reaction mirrors the creator's, it's called righteous anger and something Jesus and all the great wisdom teachers partake in. Though Michael was not convicted of child molestation, the shadow of being accused haunted him. And the media certainly did their part to keep the suspicions going. His own behavior often gave credience to some of the accusations too. He certainly didn't seem a very well-adjusted person, sadly.

Child abuse is perhaps the foremost form of injustice. The perpetrator should be forced to deal with the consequences, but with a large dose of compassion. Who knows what each of us would have become given the kind of upbringing these people had? I must believe no one is beyond the reach of compassion. I don't have the luxury of writing someone off....when I do, it only breeds fear and bitterness. Instead I want to 'invest' that rage into making the world better for our children. We definitely need to come up with better ways of protecting them, but we also need better ways of rehabilitating offenders, preventing the abuse that leads to abuse before they have a chance to become abusers themselves: tackling poverty, teaching respect and dignity, modelling compassion. I *do* totally understand the horror and the almost sacred feelings of disgust and rage about this kind of thing. I suppose I'm just trying to get my brain around why MJ's death has stirred all of us so deeply. He was an enigma, for sure. I don't excuse his strange behavior, but I'm always one to look deeper to the 'why'. And I always end up running my head into that wall of 'abuse begets abuse'. I want to stop blaming and shaming and move forward.

One other thing....because I'm keenly aware of my own failings and frailties, it is hard not to feel judgement on myself from the outside when others are judging someone else as 'bad'. I remember feeling horribly ashamed for feeling compassion for the mother who drowned her children while I listened to other mothers' outrage, calling her names and acting like *that* kind of behavior was well beyond them. Talk about being an outcast! But I walk closely with my own struggles with rage, self-hate and unforgiveness. They are constant companions to me. I often feel cursed to have the need to always be self-evaluating and navel gazing. Ignorance *is* bliss...a truth never so rightly spoken. When I do dumb things, I'm horribly aware of it. I don't excuse it or sugar-coat it. I live by "but for the grace of God go I".

I feel that we are all capable of tremendous good AND tremendous evil. Some of us walk ridiculously close to the line. Some of us go mostly one way or the other. But the possibility of going one way or the other is constantly there. Our hardwiring from birth, our childhood experiences, our young adult opportunities, the people who touch our lives for good or evil, our choices made knowingly or unknowingly ...these shape us into who we are, our behaviors and habits, the way our brains chug thru life and lay down thought patterns. Sometimes I do great things. Sometimes I do really stupid things. Most days I'm on auto-pilot due to having lots of kids and just being human. I'm so thankful for the grace many have extended to me during the dark valleys of my life...and I'm trying to be forgiving to those who didn't respond to my goofiness the way I wished. (I don't want anyone to 'own' me. I don't want to feel I have strings connected to anybody so they can push and pull me as they wish...when i don't forgive people, I hand them that power.) When I judge myself 'above' certain behaviors that are 'bad'....I'm actually preparing myself for a fall. We would all like to believe we are 'above' the heinous acts we read about in the newspapers....but I guess I'm different. I truly believe that if I'd walked in the perpertrator's shoes from infancy, I too may have become say, Jack the Ripperette. I know I'm never too far from going off the deep end, but by the same token, I'm never too far from greatness of character and acts of tremendous compassion. We walk a fine line between brilliance and madness...Thank goodness most of us fall into the net without the unrelenting media on our doorstep.

I see Michael Jackson's life as a perfect example of the high wire act we all perform. He had moments of brilliance and goodness cozied up close with his dark side. Like we all do. Some, like MJ have an obviously huge amount of talent, and so the 'good' is put in stark contrast for all to see with his huge failings. And judgements ensue. But he really was no different than the rest of us. If he was an artist (as he seemingly seemed to be, and one of great raw ability), it's likely he dealt with depression, self-loathing, perfectionism, insatiable need for acceptance and all the other demons that come with a creative spirit. I feel sympathy with him in this. It would take a person of tremendous resilience, great parenting, and a dose of god-like wisdom to travel the road he walked without mistakes. Who among us would have done much better? I know I prolly wouldn't have.

So here are my meandering thoughts on the meaning of Michael Jackson's death. They can be applied to many of the tragedies that parade thru People Magazine. The 'beautiful people' who make their living by appearing perfect are truly just humans with the same needs, mistakes, and puppeteers pulling their strings. Their failings are a hairball of their own poor choices, other's behavoir towards them, fame and fortune and personality. LIke the rest of us, except with a lot of plastic surgery.

I hope Michael finds peace. Who knows but that he walked closer with God than any of us? Perhaps he was like the mighty David of old who commited adultery and murder, yet was said to be a man after God's own heart? Who of us can rightly judge? I certainly don't trust the source of our information...the media, who have their own puppeteers. Michael was a human being. That's it. No more, no less. I hope for him, as I hope for all people, that peace is found at the end of the journey...if that's what he sought in his heart of hearts.

Long time no see, er, write.

Now y'all know it takes something so completely ridiculous and retarded and backassward to pull me from blogging on my Other Blog to actually articulate something worth reading over here.  Well, thanks to a good friend, I've found it.  And if you've studied the great artists of history, let me first apologize that you even have to go look at this psuedo-work of art....but frankly, you will need to in order to understand the following message, brought to you via an over-tired mama of six who'd rather not know things like this exist outside her front door along with the rapists, torturers, and  republicans people selling overpriced vacuum cleaners.

Greg Boyd wrote some pretty harsh things about this slop of color on canvas too, and while I appreciate much of Boyd's stuff, I think he was all together too serious to be taken seriously...though I wholeheartedly agree with what he says.

Allow me to share my opinion, as I don't often do it.  (umkaaaaay) I've done it in the form of a letter to the person who thought it'd be dandy to misrepresent Jesus and everyone who does and doesn't agree with his form of political christianity.  (And in even writing this, I realize I'm just giving this man more recognition than his painting skills deserve...which about kills me, let me tell ya.)

Dear Mr. McNaughton,

How are you today?  Not that I care, but I should, so I'm asking.  I was doing pretty good this morning, except that my son missed his bus and I had to drive out to nowheresville to get him to the school where 99.9% of the families also sending their kidlets there would praise your newest work as Fab.U. Lous.  Not that that particular issue bothers me or anything.

Speaking of which, what exactly is the purpose of art in your opinion?  Just wondering, because I'm a bit befuddled on why the hell you bothered with such in-your-face, trumped-up propoganda with a medium meant to (in my opinion) bring beauty to the world?  Your piece looks more like an advertisement for the Rush Limbaugh show.  (Was he in there?  It kinda looked like you added a Sarah Palin too, right there next to the holy mother holding her blond baby to the left of Jesus foot.)  Dunno.  I guess I'd be okie-dokie with it if you just would have come out and said "this is propaganda fodder for those who have the Providential View".  By the way, do you know about this view of the founding of the USA?  That God chose this land to be a beacon of bacon hope (and therefore entitling us to steal from the native americans what belonged to them?  And then, in turn, allowing us to yell and scream and get all goofy about Mexican folk illegally immigrating into our thang and messing with our economy?  It's all good, hypocritical and backassward as it is because God has his righteous hand on our land....for the purpose of getting everyone to agree with us and jump on the bandwagon.)  I have this love affair with the word backassward, so that's why you'll find it sprinkled through-out this post.


I also wanted to ask you if you secretly enjoy pissing off people who think your painting is a piece of shat.  Do you think this 'persecution' means you're pleasing God?  I notice you have singled out the criticisms of your art project as 'liberal'.  Meaning what exactly?  That no conservative disagrees with your blantant use of propaganda?  Pray tell, what is the difference between a hollywood bubble head using their (ofttimes questionable) talents and abilities to make political statements (which you prolly disagree with) and you using your paint-by-number skills to promote your political beliefs?  Hmmmm, now *there's* a hairball, eh?

In closing, I would just like to mention that I think you are contributing to the kind of kingdom-building Jesus came to dessimate.  Love for country is never the same as love for God.  And, dude, go read some history books other than the ones homeschoolers read about the founding of our nation....'cause putting ole Tom Jefferson in there makes you look kinda silly.  As a former homeschooling mama, I can say with some authority, you're off your rocker.

I do like that sassy red sash on Christ, though.  Much better than the blue beauty pageant-y thing he usually wears.  Not sure about the gold, but I'll go with it.

K, that's all I have.
cindy (who will now cyber-jump to my other blog, because this is alltogether too draining for such a dismal rainy day)

Put in my place Part 2

Just had another 23 or 24 year old tell me how naive and foolish I am to believe in Obama. K, first of all....I tried to be respectful, informative, and even nice. I got it with both barrels. I shoulda kept my mouth shut, but now, this is me we're talking about. Seriously folks, why try? When the farking right wing of the church can't even carry on a respectful convo with someone who believes differently than they without resorting to nasty assumptions and over-zealous pronouncements (on someone 20 years older than they are)....it just infuriates/saddens/depresses me.

Again, folks, this is why I cannot go to church. I don't need people to agree with me. I would just like people to prefer kindness over rightness. Jesus SURELY isn't pleased with how this branch of his followers treats others. We can all thank the glorious Sarah Palin for her wonderful example of how Christians should behave when it comes to politics. (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth when I had to type her name.)

What irks me is that they DON'T LISTEN. And I know most humans are like this, me included. I guess I *am* naive in believing that treating others as you would like to be treated really helps change the world. So far it's gotten me loads of bullshit dressed up as righteous anger thrown my way. God, please save me from your followers. You know the ones I mean. They aren't playing nicely at all. Oh, that I could cast a stupify spell over closed-minded people. We could all then have respectful talk and learn from one another without judgements, self-righteousness and malarchy.

I will continue to proudly support my President, even though he's a mere human. If in doing so I am considered naive and foolish, so be it. I will also prolly continue to try to engage those who spread false rumors or disseminate false information about him. Then I will limp back over here and spew like a leaky spigot. This is the lay of the land in my world. *sigh*

I just don't get it. And I really want to.

I need some really smart person to show me where to draw the line between preferring others and speaking your heart.

I'm in a conundrum. I have a few really awkward relationships when it comes to discussing my spirituality. These very kind, loving people are from my past 'church life', and it's difficult to navigate conversations with them when they're using Godspeak. I try to agree when I can, rephrase things without the christianese, or mostly just nod my head and say 'yeah'. I feel very dishonest, and hypocritical. With some, it's easy to avoid the whole sprituality issue...with others, it's an ever-present topic.

Enter the age of facebook. I have lots of 'friends' out there, from ultra liberal to right wing fundies. I thought perhaps if I lifted some stuff from here about how I'm processing my journey, hoping for dialogue of course, I could nonchalantly let my old friends know where I'm coming from. So I don't have to lie anymore, see. Well, I posted something I wrote here as a 'note' there and got some really good responses. But someone from my past popped in and I must've touched a nerve (raise your hand if you're surprised). She was fairly straight forward and sounded very like the 'my way or the high way' problem I wrote about. Thus, another friend began to engage her....and well, first friend deleted her responses after some terse back and forth.

This makes me sad. I messaged my old friend and told her appreciated her responses, but she wrote back to say she didn't want to participate in 'throwing stones' at the church. Which, of course touched one of my nerves....actually several. I was gracious, and sent my love.

So here's my next quandry. How does one give a critique of the church without 'throwing stones'? I suspect it's in the motivation of the one throwing. But that mindset within the circles I ran in was damaging to me, and I feel to others as well. We *must* be able to talk in real words about what the Church has done, and is doing wrong if we're ever going to move forward. We *must* be able to talk about those in the Church who have wounded us, misrepresented Jesus, and took advantage of their authority........but all too often (as witnessed by this very blog), because it's been held in so long, it tends to spew out, sounding very like bitterness as we hurl the 'truths' out there. It's taken 6 long years for me to even write coherently about my experiences with the church without feeling that burning lump in my stomach.

So, while I don't want to intentionally wound people....I also have this innate desire to shine the light where I see darkness in the world. That means the church too. And I might even use some sarcasm. And yeah, don't be surprised by the occasional shattered stained glass window. I am only human.

My question at the beginning was where to draw that line. I knew the answer before writing it because, hell, it's the answer to every question I ask. Every moment and circumstance are different....so the line moves. Which means I'll 'cross the line' with people when I don't mean to and I'll cower in fear on one side when I should be using a slingshot. Sometimes it'll be just right, like Baby Bear's porridge.

I have so many streams of thought and questions running thru my spirit the last few days. I'll try to process here, and I'd sure appreciate any comments so long as they aren't of the ding-dong-ditch type.

Wrestling with the abortion issue again.

I came across an interesting perspective in the following blog post by Cindy Handler.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cindy-handler/anti-abortion-or-anti-sex_b_174812.html
(please be forwarned that I lifted this from a progressive liberal online publication, so it might offend some.)

I was also struck by one of the comments, which I've quoted below:
"Like all matters of personal choice, this issue will never be satisfactorily settled by the blunt instrument we call government. Freedom requires that we each make our own decisions and live with the ramifications. It is not in the best interest of our country to pretend that one size fits all, doing so will enviably lead us to totalitarianism and tyranny." (posted by Truby)

I find I must agree with this. And I believe this is the fundamental premise that undergirds the pro-choice argument. Since moving away from my more conservative leanings regarding my Christianity, I'm realizing that those in the pro choice camp see the pro lifers as hardline, absolute, and unyeilding in their belief that their brand of religion is the 'right' brand, the 'Truth', and that on all opinions opposed to what they deem at the proper interpretation of their scriptures are 'wrong'. End of story.

I find myself often wondering how Jesus would've address this issue. Abortion was a known practice surely. Why did he not mention it? (or homosexuality for that matter...another can 'o worms for another time) I tend to believe he hoped for a world in which people took personal responsibility for sexual intercourse, where sex wasn't a taboo subject, and that women wouldn't be put in a place of having to even make that choice. But Jesus seemed to strike the perfect balance between realist and dreamer. I can think of three times in the gospels where he had the opportunity to 'blast' a woman for being a whore, all three probably 'guilty' of having abortions.
Mary, who was publically scorned for her prostitution and dared enter the place where Jesus was eating dinner amongst a room full of men and kneeled to pour her alabaster jar of costly perfume over Jesus' dirty and weary feet, weeping and using her hair to caress them. Jesus defended her publicly.

The samaritan woman at the well, who admitted she was 'living in sin' and had with several others, who was shocked that this Jewish man would speak to her, let alone ask her for water. He took time to invite her into the coming worship 'in spirit and truth'.

The adultress about to be stoned for being caught in the act...and who Jesus brilliantly used to make the point that EVERYONE sins. And he saved her life. "Neither do I accuse you". Powerful words I wish I could hear the Church say more often.

I realize there are many pro life folks who pour their lives out in trying to prevent abortion by providing education and support to those with an unplanned pregnancy as well as for those who have felt victimized by a past abortion. I also recognize that living in a culture where the unborn are 'disposed of' due to convenience or simply as a last resort birth control doesn't say a whole heck of a lot about our ethics of personal responsibility. On the other hand, we live in a nation of ostriches who cross our fingers and hope and pray that our teenagers will be able to control themselves. We yell and scream and threaten. We make them sign contracts. Then tsk tsk and shake our heads when bellies blossom in high school, or worse, end up in line at the local clinic.

I've raised two children (so far) who have made it until marriage before having sex. Let me tell you, it was hard. Afterwards, one of my kids said "well, now I'm in on the joke". I think by forbidding sexual behavior, we make it into some huge thing that ultimately disappoints us, especially women. And yet, there *is* something beautiful, an unseen canopy of expectation that covers a wedding where neither partner 'knows' each other yet. On the one hand, it's a simple physical act that (hopefully) brings pleasure. But it is also something else. I think there *must* be a spiritual *something* that happens during sex. When conception occurs, whether one feels it is a 'person' yet or not, there can be no denying it is the very stuff of life--a powerful, potential life-- having occured because two people shared physical intimacy.

The mysteries of sex, conception, marriage.....we are not in a one size fits all world anymore. I find myself wanting to peel back the layers of what these things really mean. In the meantime, though, I will have to sit on my high wire with one foot in each camp in the abortion war.

Ickies.

So after I've shown how merciful I can be, let me just say I'm having a hard time offering it up for the scum who cheat on their wives. Here's a glimpse into my more seedy side...that part of me that lurks underneath pretty words and higher ideals. The little girl who demands to be heard once again, to be let out of her cage and throw a tantrum. Whenever I hear about yet another male person in some authority position (pastors, CEOs, politicians, etc.) who have shat on their spouses and families, one phrase throbs thu my mind. And it ain't pretty. WHY CAN'T YOU KEEP YOUR #*$@^#$ MEMBER IN YOUR PANTS!?!?!?!

Now I'm really not as simple-minded as to believe it is only the men at fault...I do realize women have affairs as well. And I know this isn't just an issue with male/female relationships. (I have too many gay friends who can attest to the pain of infidelity). I'm ashamed of my sex when they use their powers of prowess and manipulation to conquer married/commited men. Just as men use their positions of power, wealth, bravo, what-have-you to catch some bimbo's eye. I have zero sympathy for either. But today I am focused on the males, thanks to a certain politician who was apparently walking in 'darkness', so his spiritual adviser says...as if christianese would soften the blow and take the blame off his protege.

What I want to believe, what I feel, but know is wrong and will lead only to misery when I'm reeling over yet another 'revelation'', is that men are weak, can only think thru the zipper of their pants, and are the easiest creatures on earth to manipulate. When a man cheats, it undermines all men, it reinforces the many many many many MANY women's experiences that men are simply little boys who just need a certain body part twiddled to be happy....it's a truth I must vanquish from thought constantly as my experience with boys growing up repeatedly proved this to me. That women are only 'loved' for their bodies and ability to titillate. The porn industry, holllywood, books....all lend credence to this. I'm sick of mustering the strength it takes to withstand the mind-boggling proof of it. Where are the courageous and loyal men??? Where are they who have the humility of character to recognize this 'weakness' and take pains to protect himself and the ones he loves??? Where is the verb LOVE seen when temptation presents itself???? 'Cause our world is desparate for some chivalry.....and I'm not afraid to say it.

It's very difficult not to project my screwy belief onto my husband. I even feel supremely silly saying my husband has been devoted to me for almost 24 years, takes great pains--even to the point of being laughed at by peers--to keep other women out of his life. I have done the same. And our marriage of almost a quarter century, which began in the rockiest of ways (teen pregnancy) has produced 6 beautiful, fairly well-adjusted children. But believing in a spouse is often considered the apex of blind trust. After all, one of the first things one hears from the spurned wife is "I never thought he would do this." I really WANT to believe that my husband won't cheat on me. But for every dumbass male who couldn't keep it in his pants for whatever reason there are legion of females, some silently and some not so, who agree once again with the message, reinforced loud and clear...MEN ARE WEAK. When will they realize we crave strength of character above brute strength and sexual bravado?

So thank-you Sanders, Edwards, Clinton, Pitt, all you cowardly selfish babies who've shat on every woman's trust for also ruining the honor of the few good men left out there who worship their wives, love and provide for their offspring, and lay down their lives for their families. Your lack of everything decent muddies not just your own pitiful lives, but undermines the all the hard work, determination and selflessness of men like my husband.

May your legacy be one oversized phalllic symbol. *spitting on the ground*

"How is such a man to be worked on???" --Elizabeth Bennett, as written by Jane Austen in Pride and Prejudice.

To Anonymous posters....

Dear Anonymous,

I have just now (June 2009) read your comment of 1-18-09 on my post of 11-9-08...I'm not sure why I didn't receive notification via email at the time, so I apologize in not responding until now. That said, I make it a point not to dialogue with anonymous posters because, right off the bat, I must assume you simply left a comment in anger and aren't actually willing to do anything other than slather on the shame and split...and those kind of commenters are a dime a dozen within the blogsphere. I find it cowardly, mean, and not really worth my time responding. I will say, though, it seems you are guilty of doing exactly what you accuse me of doing to the young man I wrote about in the post...except that I stood up to take responsibility for who I was and what I said, willing continue the discussion. Big difference in my book. If you truly are interested in dialogue sans the crushing sarcasm, (playful sarcasm is welcome and admired, though) identify yourself and let's have at it. I'm more than willing to be told I was out of line, even if I disagree. And I love the opportunity to process thru writing with a 'partner'. Helps me see where my blind spots are, where I feel I did ok, and so forth. If you only popped over to do an online ding-dong ditch, then I wish you much fun in your cyber travels. Toilet paper is on sale at Walgreens.

Sincerly,

Cindy Harvey

God apart from civilization

I often wonder about stuff that makes me wonder if I'm weird.  Or at least weirder than most.  This particular morning I'm pondering how a person would 'meet' God without ever having been formally introduced (indoctrinated?) to The Concept by western culture's portrait of a Christian, and their translations and interpretations of the bible.

I wonder what that would look like.  I know I don't think that such a person would be somehow kinder or more 'holy' than anyone else.  Afterall, we are all plopped into this drama without a script and must manuever our way thru scenes and with characters not of our choosing.  I would say that the influence of those who nurture (or don't) would have the greatest impact on how one views life and the Divine apart from the standard fare we are served, say here in the USA.  

I often wonder how a person with no knowledge of Christ's life; how he served others, spoke up for the oppressed, modelled humility and strength, was murdered by the establishment, and rumored to have come back to life 3 days later......how do they know that kindness is the better path?  I know there are millions of people on this twirling globe who haven't read the bible, know anything about middle east history, or go to 'church'.  I know there are compassionate people everywhere, regardless of religious belief or non-belief.  I know we all make choices, and are more likely to make good ones if they've been modelled and taught to us.  The conventional western christian stance is that we need to get more missionaries out there to present our form of religion, so the 'heathen' won't go to hell in their ignorance.  I reject that notion whole-heartedly.  I think God indwells every living thing, sustains and supports life on earth, and is as near to humans as the air we breathe.  I think it matters not what you call God, or how you show your devotion, but how you live your life based on what you perceive Goodness and Love to look like.  

I'm not a universalist I don't think.  While I believe we are each hardwired to connect with what's 'out there'....some of us won't make the connection, not because we were or weren't introduced, but because life can be hard and humans can be brutal as we grow up.  But we each must choose daily how we respond to the horrors of life....and some will unfortunately become abusers themselves.  Some refuse to honor another's life and dignity.....choose to oppress instead of serve and love.  I think maybe those folks just don't get 'eternal life' after death.  Maybe they just cease to exist at all.  That's not what I'd call punishment....just consequences.  But I also believe the gift of life everlasting is open to all stripes and colors of humans if they've tapped into the Creator's kingdom of love and service.  It doesn't matter if one has 'accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior', or kneels toward Mecca, or honors ancestors, or talks to trees.  If you're nice, if you make the effort to live an examined life, if you turn down your 'me' meter sometimes, and turn off the constant chatter of our culture......I think you get it.  

And therein lies the reason I am uncomfortable in church.  There's always the underlying 'get others to believe like us' expectation.  A lot of time, there's also a message of 'you're not good enough, try harder, feel guilty'.  At least that's what I feel.  I really have a hard time disentangling from the verbage of christianese and finding God.  So I stay away.  And I feel guilty sometimes for not taking my boys to 'church'.  But on the other hand, I wonder if I'm maybe doing them a favor....surely it's ok to teach our kids the bible stories as they are a large part of our national knowledge (as should greek myths and other stories of the spiritual-human connection)....but not with the message that everyone should believe as we do.  I haven't found this pushiness in the more mainline churches, but then I also haven't found a meaningful connection with God there either.  As 'country clubs' they're fine.  A meeting place where some ritual, donuts and fellowship is all well and good....and even a much needed practice in our frenetic lives.  But I also long for a deeper connection with Love in a public space.  I miss the worship times at my old church, when I could close my eyes and meet with God.  But I can't abide the junk that comes with that experience in most of those kinds of churches.  

So there are my wonderings for today.  I don't know what triggered them, other than seeing people on Facebook commenting back and forth about 'praying for this'.  Which is a whole 'nother post for a 'nother day. 

Lives are changed on 3-day weekends

On a 3-day weekend, lives change.  My life has often changed on 3-day weekends.

One fateful 3-day weekend was in 1994.  We had lived in Dallas for about 16 months, and on a 3-day weekend I asked Cindy "Do you like it here?"  Her simple answer was "No, not really." And I said "Me neither, lets move."

I guess your regular 2 day weekend only gives us enough time to catch up on everything that doesn't get done Monday through Friday.  And, vacations are often filled with travel or other activity.  Or, if the vacation does allow enough time for relaxation; it's not close enough to our regular lives to allow contemplation of that 'regular life'.

So, here I sit surprised by reflection and contemplation of my present life circumstance.  I like my life.  I'm thankful to God for it; especially today as we celebrate His new life and the metaphor that it is for New Life that God gives.  

There seems a fate or grace or synchronicity of events in my life that are helping me begin a new chapter.  I have started a new job since the first of the year; but that seems simply a symptom of what's going on.  I have somewhat randomly picked up two books in the past month that both encourage change:  Who Moved my Cheese, and The Alchemist.  And Cindy has been blogging about chancing change.

What does it all mean?  Where is it going?  Ah, that is the most wonderful part; I'm not as concerned with destination as enjoying the view/ride on the way there.  So, I guess I'm happy AND changing.

If you're still curious, you may be interested in the very short story Two Drops of Oil that tells the secret of happiness.

Been a long time coming.

I had an unexpected opportunity to put together a snapshot in words about myself yesterday and thought I'd share it here. It represents, in condensed form, my journey up to this point in time. I guess you could call it my testimony? I don't know, but here it is:

I poke a stick in a hornet's nest (another of my talents, unfortunately) quite often, but my original intention is usually just some simple, respectful dialogue. I try to offer my perspective with some light heartedness and humility, but I often fail to communicate miserably. I don't mind being disagreed with, but after an intense interaction, I can feel a bit beat up. Especially when it's obvious nothing I could say or the others could say to me is going to make an iota of difference in how we each view and issue or perspective. It makes me frustrated and sad when judgements and generalities are tossed around without any energy invested in scratching beneath the surface....but I also understand my own prejudices can run deep at times even in the face of evidence to the contrary. Humans are thick-headed at times. As it's said....you can't fix stupid.

I've wrestled with my own faith and understanding of Christianity thru the years, and ultimately found myself frustrated and let down by the 'Jesus is an angry, white, Republican American boy' mentality. I've begun to see the scripture in a different way....the call for discipleship surpassing the call to 'get people saved so they don't burn in hell'. This has put me at odds with many in the Church. I guess I'm ok with not 'knowing' the absolute 'truth' anymore. It feels more like humility to say "I love God, I know Jesus died on the cross for humanity.....but I'm not sure about much else". I'm much more comfy in the gray areas, and I try (with much effort at times) to see things from others' perspectives. I purposely "put myself in others' shoes" in order to at least understand a different view. I still may not agree, but at least I've given it a fair shake. Like the issue of abortion...I still hate it, and I volunteer at the local Crisis Pregnancy Center, but I can also understand the dangers of allowing the gov't into our personal lives (taking our guns, our right to homeschool, our choice of where to worship, our freedom of speech, etc.) I also know many, many women who have had to make the excruciating choice to abort because life isn't perfect. We aren't in Eden anymore. It doesn't help anyone to use words like 'murder' and 'killing'. It simply shames people, and we've got plenty of that to go around. Anyway, I got really sick of the militant "I'm right and you need to think like me" perspective that is rampant in America's charismatic churches. Having now been on the receiving end of blunt force bible thumping, I can say with some certainty, it doesn't make Jesus look so appealing. I try my best to follow Jesus' commandment to 'Love God and love your neighbor'. I take it very seriously in fact. I figure if I ever get that down, the rest is gravy. I just don't think I'll ever get there...but it doesn't stop me from giving it my best shot each day. Thank God for new mercies every morning, eh?

I know that others will see me as 'lost' or 'back slidden' or a 'bleeding heart liberal' or even a 'socialist'. I don't like boxes and labels. Human beings, made in God's image, are WAAAAY too complex for such simple brush strokes. I think I'm mostly a questioning, intellectually honest person who wants to please God and be kind and humble. I don't 'fit' in any sphere perfectly. I spent too many years trying to please those in the Church and following the rules they laid down. It almost killed me, literally. I was suffocating in that box. Thankfully I found a little Mennonite church that taught me that democrats aren't evil, being a peacemaker is a high calling, and serving our neighbor doesn't always include 'praying the prayer'. I believe I'm here to further God's Kingdom not by making people agree to a set of bullet points, but by modelling kindness, humility and graciousness, serving the poor, living as simply as I can in this culture of insatiable consumption, and yes, being an inigma. That's how I see Jesus living his life. He never made anyone pray a prayer, nor did he require everyone who encountered him to confess he was Lord or become a Jew. I'm hoping to get others on the 'kindness before rightness' boat with me, whether they confess with their mouth Jesus is Lord or face Mecca or pray to Buddah or shun organized religion in any form. I don't believe in guilting or shaming people into the gospel of 'Love God, Love others'. I'm into living it. No strings attached. I've guess I've just had a monumental paradigm shift in my understanding of 'christianity'.

I may be an un-believer or and idiot or what-have-you to those who hold to a more conservative Christian viewpoint, but what counts is how I see myself, how I treat others, and how much I act like Jesus. I see my job as finding others trying to do the same thing and partnering with them in bringing God's peace and restoration to a broken humanity. For instance, this election cycle brought a new face, a new perspective, and some edgy ideals that challenged the status quo. That resonated deeply with me, and while I don't see Obama as a savior or politics as the answer to humanity's woes, I do appreciate his 'thinking outside the box' as well as his focus on being our brother's keeper. I appreciate his call to personal responsibility and community involvement. I like that he hunkered down and made something of himself, having forgone the easiest path to riches and glory as a bigtime lawyer, by doing community service in some of the most poverty stricken areas of the midwest. That he recognized "something different" in the church folks he worked side by side with in those run down neighborhoods...who then became the catalyst that caused him to walk down a church isle, kneel before a cross, and asked forgiveness for the wretched man he was. That he asks for God's wisdom each day. That he REALLY wrestled with the issue of abortion, looking at it from moral, ethical, medical, and legal standpoints....and allowed a Christian pro life doctor help him take a good look at the language of the Democratic party regarding 'choice'. That he has the ability to say "I messed up". Is he perfect? Nope. Will I agree with everything he does or says? Nope. But then I'm not a Democrat. Or a Republican.  And politics are politics for the most part. There's no wool over my eyes on that account.

I don't mean to defend myself, change other's opinions or even change their opinions about me. I only hope that thru interacting with me, other believers might begin to see that not all Christians tow the same line....and that it doesn't make them stupid. Or ignorant. Or wrong. Or off the deep end. I lived in such a small universe of people within the charismatic church, that when I finally got out, I realized there were immensely compassionate and kind people who would never step foot in a church for a myriad of understandable reasons. I began having to answer for some of the behavior of the Church toward their fellow man. I began learning to say "I'm sorry we've represented Christ as an angry, white, Republican American and not the Light of the World". It was humiliating, yet hugely freeing.

In short, my hope is to be a 'rebuilder of the walls long devastated'....not to bring yet more devastation. I think this was Jesus' hope as well, but he also knew bucking heads with the status quo would necessarily need to devastate the appropriate walls of injustice and hate and oppressive tradition. In doing so, it ultimately got him tortured and killed. The keepers of the status quo and protectors of power don't like to be threatened with change....and it usually takes a revolution of the people to bring change. In America, this past November brought a revolution via the voting both. I'm grateful that I live in a country where I can be a part of challenging the status quo simply by choosing leaders I feel offer the most chance for God's Kingdom to be seen. On a smaller scale, when I challenge the status quo, I pay with rejection, misjudgement, and second-guessing myself alot....but then I remember it's a small price to pay to shine the light in darkness. I probably won't have to pay the ultimate price as those like Jesus, Ghandi, or Martin Luther King did.

This is where I find myself in the present moment, 4 days before turning 42 years old in March of 2009.