Now I know how it feels.

As I non-chalantly walked my new pup Bogart this morning, I was stopped by a talkative but seemingly harmless old man crossing my path. He introduced himself and began sharing his life story as the elderly are apt to do. I listened politely because I really do care, and because I find older folks fascinating. The only hitch was the 9 or so little pins attached to his cap and the patches on his leather coat.....and that hitch began looming larger and larger as the conversation rolled on. They consisted of crosses, the name "Jesus", various scripture verses, praying hands and the like. I'm thinking "Ah hah. A zealot. I can deal with this." He was a veteran as well (of WWII), and was wearing his American Military Pride on his sleeve. My newly-found liberal leanings began stirring, but I quickly doused them with a stern reminder that it's better to be kind than right.

But as he reached into his shirt pocket to retrieve some 'business cards' my stomach dropped, as well as my heart. This man was going to get me 'saved'. But good. He shared how God changed his life, how all his kids served the Lord, his son-in-laws "preach the good news" and so on. He even told how he was such a shy young man, then the Lord supposedly fixed that by making him.....wait for it:


A salesman.

Then he slowly looked me in the eye and asked me, ever-so-slowly..."If you died tonight, are you confident you would go to heaven?" I let the question float around in the air for a bit before answering him....(in the meantime, Bogart was trying desparately to keep walking, pulling on the leash, sniffing this man and the sign post and the fence rail....)

I must admit, everything in me wanted to say "Actually I don't have that confidence because I'm still trying to sort everything out about God, and I find it rather abnoxious and arrogant to assume a mere human could so easily wrap up that kind of Mystery in a mental assent." But I gently said I considered myself a Christian and had been attending church again recently. Evidently that wasn't enough evidence for this gentleman, because he pushed me a bit further asking "how" did I know I was a Christian. I realized at that point I was going to need to lie to this man. My dog needed to take a sh*t, my kids were home waiting for me, and this maniac wanted to be sure I was going to heaven. I sighed and said "because-Jesus-died-on-the-cross-for-my-sins" in perfect Vacation Bible School lingo. (under my breath I was muttering 'be kind, not right...be kind, not right as I realized I'd been had.)

Well, this fella's face lit up like a Fourth of July sparkler and said "WELL!!! I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE MY SISTER IN THE LORD!!!!" I laughed nervously and said, "yeah, how 'bout that." Then he went into a mini-tirade about how all this 'temporary music' in churches are getting kids on dope. I said, "yeah, how 'bout that." Seeing as the business at hand was over, he wound up the conversation mentioning how many souls he'd saved in our neighborhood. I said, "Yeah, how 'bout that." He went on his way, assured that he'd served his Lord that day.....I went on my way fuming and wavering between sheer pity and a slight guilt for thinking I was better than that man because I would never make someone as uncomfortable as he made me.

When I got home, I rifled thru the small stack of cards he gave me. They had various cliche' sayings on them....all meant to guilt a person into some sort of mental assent. My hubby offered to xerox them so I could post them here for all to see. So we could all laugh or get angry or what-have-you. But honestly, this episode was a harsh slap in the face to wake me up to the reality of the christian world...a world I really don't want any part of anymore. Being 'assured' of my place after death is not the point for me. I know there's something really broken about me, about humanity.....why else is the default setting anger/jealously/meanness? Why do I have to work so hard, so consciously to override that setting? Because something's whacked but good in the heart of me. I know I need help from something outside myself to be a decent, loving person. I think that something is God. I think it has something to do with Jesus. I"m not sure what 'magic' was wrought on mankind when he was murdered for no reason. But I know it's made a difference in my life. But I don't think pondering the meaning of a man being crucified for pissing off the political and religious leaders of the time was only about getting my rear end into some arbitrary place called 'heaven' in the future. Maybe it is? I'm just not willing to say that's the be all-end all of christianity....the point of his gory, undeserved death. If that's all it's about, then the agony of Jesus is somehow cheapened for me.

I think the point is learning to override that damn default setting. Humbly admitting there is a wee little problem with human beings that we can't fix alone. Asking God to change us, show us how to do it, how to imitate Jesus. My default setting today would've been to keep walking when the man approached me, to give some snarky reply to put him in his place, to argue about what scripture really says, to let my dog piss on his leg. But being kind is more important than being right, even when someone is patronizing, even when they're plumb dumb, even when they get to walk away with a smug satisfaction that they've 'saved' you. Talk about the narrow road. I hate not having my say. I hate knowing someone thinks they've got me figured out. I hate a christianity that smacks of little more than a feeble mental exercise or a coerced acceptance just to get the 'interview' over.

But it's better to be kind than right. I hate that. Today I chose to love my neighbor as myself...I guess it's a good thing I wasn't snarky with myself this morning.....